Saturday, November 08, 2003

Recently God demonstrated his power to me.

I had one of those days where it was just so very evident that the enemy was attacking.

At the end of the day the Lord said, see, I pulled through for you. Trust me, I'm big!
and I did one of the those Thank you Thank you Thank you things.

I just love the kingdom of God.

I love to see The Lord moving. Through me, In me, Around me. It's just like being in love.

Lately my heart has just been bleeding for the broken. When I see homeless I contemplate giving them my coat. I give whatever food I have and I smile at them, I try to touch there hand.

That day that I was talking about in the beginning when I said the enemy was attacking; the lord gave me this abundant amount of peace and grace. It was really just phenomenal. Through all the calamity and anxiety, I remained calm and focused and did not become hopeless. I remained with hope and in the end I saw God move.

For whatever reason lately the Lord has been reminding me of the passage where someone says something about us not worrying and trusting in Jesus.

I have found that worrying (although I do still engage in it) is a tremendous waste of energy. Because honestly when you think about it. We don't actually know the future, and if we really do believe that God is in control then ultimately whatever happens, our trust in God should still remain.

So let's say calamity has struck, we could choose to flip out and stress out and freak out and then find out later that all of that was un-necessary because the problem worked itself out via God. Usually when things like that happen I feel really stupid.

So anyway the kingdom of God is at hand and I am just so blessed as a daughter in Christ to be able to take part in such an unthinkably beautiful thing.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

I had this very sad dream last night.

Let me preface it by saying that at some point before this part of the dream in another dream, I was thinking about people with aids and comparing myself to them thinking about how I always feel tired, so throughout the dream I think I was carrying this sickness or a feeling of death.

My father told me I was going away, and I thought I was going to the airport, possibly to a carribean Island. When me, my father and two or so other people (who were around my age possibly siblings) arrived at what I thought was the airport, we went through the glass doors and I then realized I was in some sort of Hotel or something.

We went up to the front desk man, and I asked the front desk man where my room was. He told me it was the housing department, and when I asked again which room he told me that I would know. I went up three semi short flights of stairs and arrived at a door that seemed to be the only room on the floor.

When I walked into the room, it was kinda messy and the first bed i saw was a full size bed and it had a girl sleeping in it, so I looked to see if there was another bed and there was but it also had a girl sleeping in it. I stepped outside the door to the room and put my hand over my head and I said "Dad I can't stay here". He said" The deal was, if you didn't go to college you would have to stay here.".

I started sobbing heavily, and when I looked up I was inside the room again, and my Dad was standing over me and I yelled at him and some other person (a boy my age) and told them to get out and leave me alone.

Now I was alone on the floor with my legs curled close to my chest sobbing loudly. The girl in the bed next to me woke up and looked at me and told me to stop crying. I said "I just need a little time". She then got up from her bed and started to try to pull me up off the floor telling me that I had to participate, that's part of the deal, she was yanking my arm while I was sobbing heavily. And then I woke up.

When I woke up I was still breathing like I was crying in the dream.
Don't worry I'm not sick and I don't have aids, I think this dream probably represents a state of mind, it's most likely probably calling out some of my father issues, and possibly visualizing a fear of death that I may have.

I just thought I would share a moving dream that I had last night. I'm not really looking for any interpretations.

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

Congradulations to me! I got a job i started yesterday. The people I work with are super nice and, it's close to my house. So, that's it. I have to get ready.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

I'm going through a dry season in life and i just can't help but think that no one wants to hear what i'm saying. Like i'm talking too much about myself and inside the other persons head, their eyes are rolling. -Rejection- ugly word. Just one on my long list of "issues". That's why blogging is fun, if you don't want to read, then stop.
i feel like some christians i talk to are giving me the packaged answer of "that's the devil, don't listen to him". But believe me that's easier said then done, especially when it's just a thought that pops up! When that happens it hard to just turn off the nonsense, especially when it's one of those old tapes that have always played since the beginning of my time. I don't want anyones sympathy or "advice". I want someone to want to listen intently to what i'm saying, someone to care. But i'm starting to get the feeling that people in general only like to talk about themselves and solve other people's problems to make themselve's feel better. Then again that could just be the way i'm perceiving things too.
I feel like everyone around me is the perfect christian, and i am this floundering heathen that frothes at the mouth. "out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks" what a scary truth that is. you should hear me when i'm driving, there's a reason why we don't have one of those fish on the back of our car. i really am just so sick of all the superficial bull sh*t that goes on in "church", like the people that give you the packaged answers, and the people who pretend like if you stuff all of your anger and frustration into the bottom of your toes and smile at that man who just threw his shame all over you, that you'll be a godly and "good" christian, that pisses me off.
I don't think that this christian walk is flowers and potpurri. This walk has been more like surgery. Like laying under a knife and asking God to please have mercy. that's why (at this point at least) i feel so violent towards how can i say, fluff. That stuff that people pull out when you share your most intimate thoughts and feelings.
alright i'll stop before the blogger police come.

sometimes i write poetry when the lord is bringing me through stuff, this is an overflow of that... ... ...

I pushed him away
he ran away with shame
then told me
it was my fault that

i was alone
and fatherless

told me
it was my fault that
i pushed him away
it was because of the
angry things
i would say

a bad little girl
that pushed her daddy
a sad little girl
that really wanted him
to stay

Thursday, September 04, 2003

Well, bad news ladies and gentlemen, no job. I am extremely disappointed, although I do realize that God can still work in disappointments. So, I'm still in search of a job.
I'm kinda tired so I'll write again maybe tomorrow.

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

In my last entry I told a tale of woa about a boy and a girl who had AC trouble. But I am happy to report that we have an AC, just in time for the cold weather. But to be honest the whole situation was a set up. They say your suppose to worship God in all circumstances and now I know why. I'll explain.
The first time I stayed home I waited all day for the installer dude to come and install my new air conditioner. While waiting I decided to look online for jobs. I wound up sending my resume to a couple of places. Then the 2nd time the installer had to come (because they gave me the wrong AC the first time) I received a call back from one of the places I sent my resume to. It's a textile design company that needs an intern to do dirty work. I'm planning on going to school next semester as an interior design major so this would be the perfect place for me to make furniture and fabric contacts and become familiar with patterns, colors, fabrics, etc .
So, the point of my story is this- if i hadn't been home waiting for the installer all day the first time, I probably would not have had the chance to go online to look for jobs. Furthermore, if I wasn't home the 2nd time the installer had to come back, I wouldn't have had a chance to make an interview date that day with the company. Of course my mother reminded me of all this, so, thanks mom.
So even though it was like hell on earth going through all of the AC stuff I went through, God winked his eye at me and said "Be thankful".
Not that I'm gonna call the installers back and thank them or anything because they still screwed up royally, but The Lord used them.
So I'm currently waiting for a call back from this company to see if I got the job. I was hoping that they would have called back by now. Cause the interview went really really well. The girl who interviewed me was super sweet and they said they'd work around my school schedule once I start school again. So, I'm sitting with anticipation, waiting for a call back. In the meantime I'm also looking for other jobs.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Once upon a time there lived a girl and a boy. They lived in Brooklyn, on the third floor of a brownstone. One day the girl's mother bought her an airconditioner roughly the size of God. With many thanks the girl and the boy put the monster into the trunk of their car and began to trek from Rockville Centre back to brooklyn when the mean old alternator in their car went on them, they got stuck off one of the exits of the BQE. In dismay the boy and the girl call their friend in a nearby town to come and drive them home. After unloading the AC from their trunk into their kind friends' trunk they finally reached home and the kind friend lugged the monster with the boy up the 3 flights of stairs and left to go home. After the departure of the friend, boy and girl felt (in the sweltering heat) that the best idea would be to put the air conditioner into the window. 3 1/2 hours passes and the boy and the girl are ready to kill each other, because the directions to install the AC into the window though written in English were reading as though Chinese. Finally boy and girl finish putting the thing into the window at 3:30am and plug it in to find out that the air blowing from the machine is not cold. Girl calls mom. Mom says outlet is wrong. Girl calls electrician. Electrician comes. Plug is fine, no problem with plug. Girl calls Sears. Tells them to send repair man, woman tells girl to just bring it back. Girl freaks. Girl hangs up. Girl calls back and speaks with someone else telling them to send someone immediately. Sears tells girl they'll send someone 2 days later. 2 days later girl calls sears wondering where they are. Sears has no recollection of any service man supposing to have been sent to that address that day. Girl freaks. Repair man comes that day after much trouble. Boy meets repair man at house and repair man tells boy that manufacturer didn't put enough freon into AC. Repair man brings out torch and starts to perform surgeory on AC in the middle of boy and girls living room. AC now works. 1 week later AC begins to freeze. Boy and girl ignore. Then finally decide to call Sears to have them replace the AC. Boy and girl wait 1 week for installation man to come and replace AC. Installation man comes and replaces air conditioner. After installing AC installer looks at girl and says "Hmm, that's strange, the plug looks different, but it's the same exact AC, you'll have to run to the hardware store and get an adapter" Girl says " I didn't need one before, are you going to test it before you leave?" installer says "No, if you have any further problems you'll have to call and make another appointment to have someone come out, but I hightly doubt you would get two bad ones in a row." and leaves. Girl slightly perturbed now has to get an adapter. She speaks with her stepfather on the phone and he says that that plug is for a 220 and that girl has wrong AC. Girl checks the part numbers and sure enough it's the wrong one. Now she calls back Sears and tells them the situation and the history of what has happened and the best they can do is have someone come out 2 days later. So girl now must take off another day of work to be home for the installer.
As you may have guessed that girl is me and that boy is Kenny and we are still waiting for the installer. Yay.

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